In his influential book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, psychologist John Gottman describes the intensifying marital tempest of Eric and Pamela, a couple he interviewed extensively. Year by year, their relationship grew worse, eventually deteriorating to the point that Eric would shut down at the first sign of conflict, muttering a few monosyllabic responses before escaping to the local tavern.
The pattern may sound familiar. Often, in the midst of a heated dispute between romantic partners, one of them simply withdraws from the interaction. For the person on the receiving end, it can feel like they’ve hit an insurmountable barrier.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or express emotions. The stonewaller contributes little (if anything) to the conversation, often changing the subject or outright ignoring their partner. They may even physically remove themselves from the situation.
If left unaddressed, stonewalling can leave both partners frustrated and hurt, potentially leading to divorce or separation. But once they recognize the problem, couples can learn healthy behaviors to counteract it.
