Is your main problem with dieting that you have a whorish mouth? Instead of saving itself for the truly worthy suitors—the poached lean proteins and steamed vegetables with dressing on the side—does it open up for every corn chip and chicken wing that passes by?
Good news, tramp-trap! For only $2,000 plus airfare to Los Angeles, you can have a patch of spiky plastic mesh stitched onto your tongue.
Doctor Paul Chugay promises the procedure is quick and easy. You’ll be back at work the next day. And instead of snacking at your desk, you’ll be sipping a new all-liquid diet, because your lingual chastity garment makes it too painful to consume solid foods.
Patients can expect to lose 20 to 30 pounds in a month on his 800-calorie-a-day “liquid beverage plan,” Chugay says in a video* on his site, or as much as 50 pounds in two months. After that, according to a Time article, the patch will have to be removed; otherwise it may be absorbed into the flesh permanently. That tongue just can’t control itself.
*Website NSFW, thanks to perky plastic-surgery “after” photos everywhere.