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Help Desk: Chastity Belts and Other FAQs

By Elizabeth Preston
Jul 4, 2013 12:00 AMNov 5, 2019 12:19 AM


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I'm on vacation this week. With any luck, as you read this I will be lying in the shade with a book or having a hilarious misunderstanding with a non–English speaker. I will not be thinking about en-dashes, as I did just now. I will try not to think about beige liquid diets.

While I am away, please refer to these FAQs for any concerns you might have. They're not Frequently Asked Questions so much as Fairly Awkward Queries: search terms that, through some whim of a Google or Bing algorithm, brought people to this blog. I hope that their questions were answered eventually—or, at least, that they're enjoying their summers.

are cuckoo birds realYes, unlike the dragon dishwasher or manticore microwave, the cuckoo clock is an appliance based on a real animal. 

how to outsmart an 8 year oldNineties Trivial Pursuit?

covered in bees If your hands are free to type, I have to think you're overstating the severity of the situation. At best you're sprinkled in bees.

a mutation of a lion and a monkeyI'm not sure about the lonkey, but you can see some other imaginary animal hybrids in this gallery at Wired. (I contributed the suggestion for the cuttlephant.)chastity belt for 2 monthsI'm sorry to hear about that.

been in a chastity belt for 9 monthsDo you have any advice you'd share with a seven-months-earlier version of yourself?

chastity belt why on why nowI knew I'd regret this post.

fish adoption formI've never tried this personally, but I'm pretty sure they just let you take them home from the store in a plastic bag.

orangutan tool use fishIs the orangutan using the fish as a tool? Is the fish using the orangutan? Is this why you wanted to adopt it?

pretending to be paraplegic 

I'm going to stop you right there and say there HAS to be a better way to make your Match profile stand out.

i draw worms out of the groundMaybe you could be a new X-Man? Like Storm, but Worm? Though in a different comic universe, if Robin is your sidekick, this could be distracting.

miniature poodle evolvedIt was survival of the fittest in the Tundra of Purses, and once the miniature poodle had developed its portable stature and warm, hypoallergenic coat, it dominated its niche.

what do polar bears hateWild tundra poodles.

where baby point in female Um.

a real octopuses that tie you upOoh! This might be a good tactic to try on that 8-year-old.

unicorn horns photo  I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Previously: Help Desk, Relationship Edition; 12 Days of Inkfish, Day 4: Help Desk

Image: Aryc Ogre (via Flickr)

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