Humans are a cocksure lot. Every four years the Olympic Games bring forth the best athletic specimens Homo sapiens can muster: men and women who run and jump, stroke and tumble, put, pedal, and throw until winners are declared and the country that takes home the most medals gets four years of bragging rights. The winning athletes glory in selling sneakers.
But isn’t this all rather zoologically narrow-minded? What about nonhuman animals? Aren’t they athletic, too? After all, the foundation of the Olympics is locomotion, and the need to move has surely been one of the major forces in animal evolution, determining such basic issues as who shall eat and who shall be eaten. So one has to wonder: What if this year’s games in Atlanta were truly open to all comers, whether they came on two legs or four, or even on fins?
With disbelief firmly suspended, we therefore announce the inaugural All-Animal Olympics. First, a few ground rules. There will be no eating of the competition. No team sports (hordes of nonhumans make humans either too nervous or too hungry). And finally, since human brains make us so superior in the making and handling of tools, any gadget-based competition--javelin throw, shot put, shooting events (especially those)-- is banned. The events will thus be limited to running, swimming, gymnastics, and boxing.
Now let the games begin.
As the athletes enter the stadium, the crowd--humans on one side, various NHAs (nonhuman animals) on the other--lets out a literal roar. Initially the nhas have a lot to roar about, as they sweep the first five running events, ranging from 100 meters up to 1,500 meters. In all five, their entrant is the same awesome ringer, the cheetah. The fastest running mammal, the cheetah can hit a top speed of 60 miles an hour, more than twice the wimpy 27 mph human record.
